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I Can Haz Kitten? 5 Lessons in Cat Ownership

So you’re planning on expanding your family by getting a glorious little bundle of cat shaped fun? A kitten can give you many hours of enjoyment and love – on their terms, of course.

I felt love at first sight when my tiny 9 week old kitten, Vinnie, moved in. Since then he has given me the best and simultaneously most testing month of my life. So, for those of you out there thinking about getting a little kitty-cat to join your family, here are 5 things you should know.

They’re like, really small

It goes without saying that a kitten is small. But you don’t realise how small they are until you spend 15 minutes looking for them, only for them to turn up wedged in a gap no wider than your hand. Vinnie managed to give us the run around for ages before we found him playing innocently in my wardrobe (no closed jokes please) and I had a tiny, yet vividly terrifying glimpse of what it’d be like to lose a child in a supermarket.

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Tibbles was the 9 time world ‘hide and give your cat parents a heart attack’ champion.

You will become ‘those’ parents

In yet another glimpse into the future, will slip into certain parental roles, most notably the good cop/bad cop. As self-appointed good cop, I’m fine with this; cuddles and head-boops are wonderful. I’ve no problem with leaving the discipline to my other half.

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They cause more havoc than you ever thought possible

Kittens will play with anything.  I didn’t quite realise how curious (or suicidal) they were until I caught Vinnie inside the washing machine; or running off with an earring in his mouth; or when we he decorated the entire flat with toilet roll, or when he scaled my leg (claws NOT retracted, I hasten to add) when I was doing the washing up; or when he attacked my feet in bed at 3am; or when he was ‘helping’ me wrap Christmas presents… you get the point. If it rustles, moves, shines, or if it can be knocked over then it’s HIS.

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They have ZERO etiquette

You’re creeping around getting ready for work whilst your partner is fast asleep. You’ve dressed, put make up on and done your hair in silence. You stand and try to leave the bedroom noiselessly, when suddenly an almighty roar comes from somewhere near your feet. You didn’t even know it could make that noise.

Not only this, but when you finally get down to some intimacy, your furry friend provides the ultimate buzzkill. Is your kitten frightened of your amorous noises? Absolutely not! For your noises are shouts for help, and it is your kitten’s job to protect you! He might not kill any bad guys, but he’ll certainly kill the mood when he’s four inches from your face, staring at you.

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I cannot UNSEE THIS

You will never truly know where you stand.

Picture your beautiful kitten, snuggled down on his back in your arms, letting tickle his tummy, purring incessantly. You’re lulled into a sense of security; he loves you so much… Oh wait; he’s wrapped his legs (and teeth) around you in a charming surprise attack. You leave the encounter unsure as to whether you did something to hurt him, or if he eerily planned the whole thing beforehand.

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But no matter how much of a conniving git your cat may turn out to be… Can’t hate cute!

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I can haz unconditional loves?