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Oops They Did it Again: Cosmo’s Lesbian Sex “Tips”

Once again, Cosmo have made their brief foray into the land of lesbianism; this time taking care to include those slippery bisexuals AND pansexuals. Somebody has been reading their comment section.

As much as we applaud the occasional inclusion of our bedroom antics in mainstream lady media, we totally spat our cheerios over the illustrations, which now happily feature women with short hair, and a lady with a waistline thicker than her neck. What’s more, there’s not a flowery head garland in sight. Small victories. Here are our favourites from the new, inclusive series, now with 50% less obnoxious accessories.

1. The Bathtime Heimlich

bath

Oh we just love erotic bathtime. It’s all elbows, kneeing each other in the lady bits and embarrassing slidey fart noises. It’s so romantic; especially when the tub is only full up to bum-level, and your unfortunate lover merely gets to dip a half a cheek in the tepid water whilst squelching awkwardly around on top of you. No doubt she’ll be freezing her tits off, but since she bears a startling similarity to a Resusci Anne CPR doll, we’re not sure she has real feelings anyway.

2. The Bedtime Blowjob

oral

You know how it is, you’re seductively sucking on a strapon and your partner stone cold falls asleep standing up  (impressive, given her 6 inch stilettos). Cosmo knows that the best way to ensure your dead-behind-the-eyes companion wakes up to enjoy your tantalising tongue tricks is to punch her swiftly in the crotch.

3. The Dog Park Greeting

bendlick

Someone needs to remind that bird at the back that on no circumstances should laundry day knickers make it into a sex position guide. Poor girl at the front came specially dressed for a satanic pain dungeon in her special boots and what did she get? Frilly heart pants. No wonder she’s turned her back on her.

4. The “UR DOIN IT RONG”

socks

So passionate, they didn’t even have time to remove their socks. WHY? Your knickers go right past them? Is it THAT cold in your bedroom? Unforgivable pom-pom socks aside, Bowl Cut on top is clearly not hitting the spot, because Blondie is basically just doing it herself. God, between the socks and the weird nose rubbing we’re bored just looking at it. Can’t anyone just make the effort these days?

5. The “This’ll Be a Funny Story at the Hospital”

tapAgain, someone’s been economising on water use, as only your kneecaps and toes get immersed in this position, which, by the way, only Olympic gymnasts can achieve.  Our mate on the bottom flexes her core of steel, as she manages to float three inches from the bottom of the tub whilst simultaneously scalding her knees and holding up her partner. And the lady on top gets to watch some serene little ducks as she quietly suffocates her selfless lover.  Even the ducks know it’ll end in tears.

6. Shock Tactics

tazer

WELP, if all else fails and you’re creeping up to the devastating inevitability of lesbian bed death, you could always give it one last ditch effort…

…and Taser each others’ vaginas.